Being Mortal by Atul Gawande

Talking about death as part of life is seen as morbid. I guess there is a difference between talking about death and not wanting to live. People in general confuse the two. I, at the age of 50 do more of the former. It's like I am getting comfortable with the mortal part of being human. And since the talk stems from a massive rock of fear/desire to live (though this is wearing down as I talk more), acceptance is a while away.

Gawande talks about two kinds of dying - old age and terminal illness. He actually talks about the space in - between each of these states of being and death. A book filled with common sense and finding the middle. Very similar in intent to 'logic of care' by Anna Marie Mol. Nicely written, I loved the case studies and the conversations that entailed around the way life progresses at the end.

Old age

What kind of care works best and is the answer singular? This is personal. My grandmother is in an old age home - a decent place that has everything that Bill Thomas recommends. But my ashamed-ness towards it is high. I should have taken her in, battered myself in the process but should have done it. It's been 6 months, she went through her stages- didnt want to be there, doesn't like anything and now quite well adjusted to the place. I realize I could never have provided the constant support the assisted living home does. And being the only one in the city she lives in - I visit often. Yes, I notice it's all about me. I don't know who sat down with her (she has 4 sons) and chatted about this and asked her what she wants. She is 90 and has a resigned acceptance to her being sent away. The choice was not laid out properly. My guess - they didn't ask, for they did not want her to say no. The explanation was, 'we have done so much already'. It's not an easy decision. It's not mine to make. I am supporting as much as I can. I see the existing relationships (sons, daughters-in-law, grandkids, son-in -law, extended relatives, etc) on less than solid ground, so talking and building a shared understanding is out of question.

I see so many similarities in the case studies Gawande presents and I realise the only way to know is to see how quickly they move to the final stage of being comfortable.

The book helped me understand and articulate that the answer is not always the same but the process is - many are okay to let go of safety etc (Maslow's basic needs) for living a life they deem worthy - our job is to understand and make that happen, as much as possible.

Terminal

Prolonging life and a reduced quality of living is not desired by many. Many who choose it, overlook the peace that is needed for the dying and the living to let go of each other. In theory sure, in practice, I could be the one clinging on to every chance.

Finally, something for me to keep in mind - talk about what I want rather than what will keep me alive - Maslow's hierarchy is insignificant here.

A kind book I think. Emphasises on the hugely difficult space between life and very close to death. I loved it. Hopefully will remember to pull it out and reread it when the time comes.